I always knew that 97% of surgeons had personality disorders, but I wasn't aware that most of them communicated as well as 5 year old autistic children. Our fun for the last couple of weeks:
Dr. Smak: How long until he wakes from the surgery?
Neurosurgeon: He'll be up as quickly as he was from his sedated MRI.
Translation: His Glascow coma score will be 15 out of 15 within a few hours. However, he'll lie in bed and moan for 2-3 days.
Neurosurgeon: We got it all out.
Translation: The tumor was successfully resected. Of course, there remains portions that had spread to your son's spine and we know that there is microscopic spread across much of his brain, however, the main tumor is gone.
Dr. Smak: Why does he have a lateral rectus palsy since the procedure?
Neurosurgeon: It'll go away. I wasn't anywhere near that.
Translation: Lateral rectus palsies are not uncommon when operating near the brainstem due to stretching of nerve fibers. They generally resolve without intervention.
Pediatric surgeon after Hickman catheter placement: There was an abnormality on your son's chest xray....grand pause....
This one didn't really need a translation, but come on! Don't use the word abnormality to someone whose kid has cancer. That means metastasis.
Maybe they need mandatory play therapy to work on the concept of empathy.
Ok, so it wasn't puppies-and-bubbles-and-balloons light, but it wasn't lead-anvil heavy either. I'm working on it.