I'm glad to have humor back in my life. It took several weeks to return. You really miss it when it's gone.
Sadness is always there, very close to the surface. I can cry at the drop of a hat.
I'm finding that anger is much closer to the surface than it used to be as well. Evidenced by my day yesterday. I was insanely grouchy at my patients yesterday. I felt bad, they didn't deserve it, and I'm not great at hiding my emotions. I'm never rude (to people's faces, anyway), but I'm not sure they were feeling the love.
One of my first patients of the day set me off. They're an altie family. I really enjoy them, and their kids, but I have to do a lot of stroking and hand-holding whenever we're talking about antibiotics for infections or vaccinations. Overall, I think we do pretty well.
The father inquired about my family, as I've been out so much. I've been telling patients who ask about Henry. I feel that I ask them to trust me a lot, so I feel it's fair to open up a little myself.
He expressed concern, and sorrow. So far so good. Then he started in on juicing. How he gives his kids wheatgrass shakes every day and it keeps them so healthy (I refrained from pointing out the URIs and ear infections we were treating that day.) How he's "done a lot of reading" and he "treats" a lot of cancer patients, and even their oncologists think it's a great idea. How you can cure, yes cure, breast cancer with wheat grass.
If his kids hadn't been screaming and antsy to leave by then you could have heard the pitter-patter of drops of contempt hitting the floor all around me. I could barely contain myself.
You bought a f*cking juice bar a year ago and now you're telling my how to treat my kid's cancer?!? The arrogance was overwhelming.
I've spent 7 years learning my trade. I spend lots of time discussing the limitations of medicine with my patients. I'm agonizingly aware the hubris of medicine. I politely bite my lip when it come to complementary medicine - tho I think most (if not all) of it is a steaming pile of donkey poo.
How dare you.
So, my patients for the rest of the day paid for it. I feel bad about that. But things are just pretty close to the surface these days.