Sunday, February 10, 2008


I've done a spectacular job of not thinking past Henry's first MRI. As a defense mechanism it worked brilliantly. Really, there was no end to the mental gymnastics that could have been done based on the various results that we could have gotten, so putting up the mental block made the most sense. We just put our heads down and did what needed to be done.

And we got great results. Frankly, better than I expected.

But, wow. As they say, it's not just a river in Egypt. And I've waded back out of the river to the heat, grittiness, and sunburn again.

Everyone is thrilled, as are we, with Henry's positive results. It's an irony that I'm more sad than I've been in a long time. The cancer is in my thoughts constantly. We have some treatment decisions to make, some really tough ones. Things that you really don't want to think about.

I read a lot of other "kids with cancer" blogs. It seems like most kids that eventually lose their fight with cancer had a period of remission, or disease responsiveness. Is that where we are?

It's hard to think about all of these things again. I had really put this all away, stashed in the coat closet behind the mismatched winter mittens and random vacuum attachments. I hope I can put it away again soon.


rlbates said...

We are all good at denial. Please, don't borrow sorrow from tomorrow (the possibility of this not being permanent) as it will keep you from truly enjoying Henry and your time with him now. Easier said than done, I know.

You remain in my thoughts. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I'm not much for sayings but the one that sticks with me like glue is "worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

JeanMac said...

Thinking of you and your family, as usual.

Eric, AKA The Pragmatic Caregiver said...

Trying to keep this brief without coming off as dismissive is rough for me.

Cancer has, above all else, taught me one thing: Cancer is remarkably unwilling to play along with the scenarios I run through in my head. Whether I come up with something horrible or something transcendent, whether I'm going with the odds or betting the longshot, cancer is devious and finds a new angle to work to make a mockery of my neurosis/overly analytical nature.

Revel in victories until proven otherwise. It gives you the strength to make it to the next revel in spite of what may come.


The Nurse said...

mental gymnastics... allows your heart to stretch

you have such a sweet soul... as does your baby

Jen said...

Sometimes denial just gives you the strength to keep going day by day. I wish you the best in making good decisions.

Anonymous said...

Straight ahead, head up, one foot in front of the other.....hlnc