Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Mommy Dearest

Until a month ago, I'd never had a facial. I'm not sure how I missed the experience up to now, but it's probably a combo of lack of money and lack of time. Medical school and 3 kids will do both of those things to you.

A dear friend gave me a gift certificate to a fancy salon near our apartment during our extended stay near the hospital. I took great pleasure in viewing the 'menu' of the salon, and finally decided to go for it.

I may have found the origins of schizophrenia.

The experience overwhelms your senses with pleasures: soft relaxing music, mood lighting, pleasant scents. Somehow a glass of chilled white wine ends up in your hand. The technician comes in and talks to you like you're her best friend. There are scented oils, massaging, steam, lotions...

And then it all changes.

My new best friend turned into Mommy Dearest.
"Have your pores always been so big?"
"Don't you ever exfoliate?"
"Do you have rosacea?"
"Exactly what kind of product do you use?"
"This one is really big...I'm going to need the comedone extractor."

At this point, I was all but bound and gagged. My wrists were in some sort of handcuffs masquerading as a hand softeners. My eyes were covered with pads, ostensibly to protect them from the steam bath. And she came after me again and again with that torture instrument. I couldn't see where she would hit. She only quit after I started sneezing uncontrollably when she got too aggressive with my nose.

And then, it all started to fade away to peacefulness again. I could hear the eastern music. I could smell the lavender scented oils, feel the warmth of the bed I was reclining on. She was my friend again, at least long enough to recommend a 1.4 oz vial of something that cost $48 to make my pores less visible from the international space station. (Inwardly I scoffed but ended up buying it a week later, since my face really did look better.)

Since then, I haven't seen any small children recoiling in terror from my excessive dead skin or monstrous comedones. Whatever she did must have worked. I'll schedule my next one soon. This time, I'll drink two glasses of wine.


Eric, AKA The Pragmatic Caregiver said...

I just howled. And boy, did I need it. I'm down with mom this week, and despite my best efforts, sometimes cancer just isn't very funny. Thanks. This came at the perfect time.

When mom goes in for her semi-annual tune-up at the Sandwich Spread Clinic, I indulge in a facial, too. The gag being that mom goes to the most exclusive spa in town,courtesy of "Croix Bleue", and I have to settle for Golden Door. She gets IMRT, I get the euphemistically-named "extractions".

They are excruciating, and despite me telling the facialists that the bump on the right nostril is not going *anywhere*, they persist in trying to remove it like it's just appeared on the face of a Cover Girl model in the middle of a photo shoot.

Guy facials rarely result in questions about "product", but there's always the discussion about pore size. I already think that mine are the dermatologic equivalent of the polar ice caps, visible from deep space and the subject of endless discussion by scientists, so hearing it from a woman looking at me through magnification doesn't alarm me much.

I am curious as to what magic serum you've found. They stopped making my favorite cleanser (Neutrogena Sensitive Skin Solutions) and forced me in to the none-to-loving arms of L'Oreal Acne Response, which does keep the pores down to a managable size, but tends to be a trifle drying. Anything that will give me small, clear pores is as valuable to me as an effective aromatase inhibitor is to my mom. ;0)

(and a happy belated Mother's Day)


Dr. Smak said...

Eric, so sorry to disappoint, but the magic elixir was to fix my shameful tendency to produce too many skin cells, not my heinous pores. (Just betwixt you and I, I'm not sure it's doing anything anyway.)

Hey, at least the ice caps are getting smaller, right? Maybe your pores have a chance yet...have you looked for them yet on Google Earth?

socks said...

Hilarious blog - one to which many can relate.

Eric, AKA The Pragmatic Caregiver said...

As a matter of fact, they are visible on Google Earth, right here.

I have to say, the word "serum" creeps me out. I can't help but think of icky secretions.


rlbates said...

I loved the comment "I may have found the origins of schizophrenia"! Very funny post and I love the above comments.

Anonymous said...

this post made me laugh so much. Salons do amazing things for your face and body but man they beat you up in the process D: I usually leave looking great but with zero self-esteem and hundreds of dollars of product.

Great post!