Monday, June 2, 2008

Careful what you wish for

The last few weeks Henry has intermittently complained of a headache.
Really, Henry? Does it have to be a headache? Couldn't you say your foot hurt or something a little less ominous?

So I soothed myself with the knowledge that his last MRI was a scant 3 weeks ago. And that his headache preceded the it couldn't be the tumor.
At least he's not vomiting. Then I'd really worry.

Until last Friday night. When he woke, in the middle of the night, and vomited.

The last time that happened, that way, was the week preceding his diagnosis. So Friday night was a very long night for my husband and I.

Since then, Henry's better. But it gave me just a taste of the anxiety that is to come, for the next several months to years....if I'm lucky.

Every headache, stumble, vomiting illness will bring it all back again.

If I'm lucky.

I need to learn to embrace life with cancer. It's the life I've got, and it's like that old saying goes "Getting older sucks, but it's better than the alternative."

Worrying about all these little things just might make me crazy, but really, it's what I want most.


Eric, AKA The Pragmatic Caregiver said...

Especially with my mom, less so with me, it's not just the people in our lives who worry that everything is the cancer or its sequelae. It's our doctors, too.

Last year, I was growing increasingly frustrated that some of mom's problems (mostly bone/joint stuff) were being written off to "bone mets" and not to, say, untreated soft tissue injury, rotted hips or the other things that plague Women Of A Certain Age.

The luxury that time will bring is the ability to get a little less anxious about the cancer thing, and the price is that you have to share that new vision with others in positions of power in the system.

It probably won't ever be far from your mind, but my thoughts are with you as you find the successes that let it be just that hair's breadth farther than the front of your mind, day by day, month by month.

SOCKS said...

ERIC's last paragraph is very insightful and true - hopefully you will have the time that will allow other issues, successes, hopes and plans to intercept and predominate thoughts and feelings, if just for awhile.

rlbates said...

Can I just echo Eric's last paragraph? Take care.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Smak and hubby,
You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

janemariemd said...

I am thinking of and praying for you and your family (the silence worries me!!!).