Sunday, August 10, 2008


Henry had his 3 month MRI last week. It looked good.

The despair that I would have experienced had the news been otherwise has not been matched by my emotional response to the best news that I could have hoped for. I expected a bit of elation, but it was only relief that settled in.

It feels akin to a great first half of a soccer match. Didn't really expect to do so well, but sure as hell hoped we would. A brief woohoo!, and then back to being nervous about losing. The other team had the advantage going in.

Aah, the constant sports analogies in my head. From someone who doesn't watch sports. Guess there's not much comparable in knitting.

Such conflicting emotions. How can I not be elated with victory? How can I not be full of glee and hope at every moment? I feel guilty when I see other children and families who have not been so lucky...what would they give to be where I am today, instead of at their daughter's funeral?

Melancholy, with intervening moments of hope, laughter, elation. I'd like to do better, but right now I can't.


Jen said...

Don't beat yourself up. Your reactions don't have anything to do with any other family's trials.

I find the same thing when we (so far consistently) get the all-clear on my daughter's checkups...even though I think that I should be over the moon every time we get a clear, I just kind of sit there and take in the good news quietly. It's not that I'm not elated about the all-clears, just that I'm always aware that we're going to be doing the same tests every few months or years for the rest of her life. It's not that I'm not grateful, or don't feel guilty about our hospital friends who aren't as lucky...I just always feel like I should be happier instead of always thinking about the future. I don't think that there are any "right" reactions when you're dealing with cancer.

Needless to say, congratulations on the good MRI.

Anonymous said...

It doesn't help that you know too much. Doctor Mamma... Mommy who's a doctor... it's hard to be just "Mom" when you have books of knowledge behind the "what ifs".

Glad you got good news... GREAT news.

rlbates said...

Can I just say that I agree with the other two commentors. Dr Smak, be kind to yourself. It's okay to just feel relief.

pisceshanna said...

Hey there. I nominated you for an award on my blog, cause you know, I've been stalking you silently for a year now. hehe.

~*~Snappz~*~ said...

Hey Dr. S.

New Caringbridge recommendation for you to check out ...

Zman's dad Scott is kind of like the male version of Kristie from Not Quite What I Had Planned. Sarcastic and funny, in spite of what life has thrown their way.

I hope that you guys are having a good day today. Always checking in, and thinking of you.