Sunday, December 28, 2008

Christmas

Henry had a setback two days before Christmas. It was heartbreaking, scary, and a big dose of reality. He's been feeling so amazingly well that we have resumed a largely normal lifestyle, only occasionally punctuated with life's stigmata of cancer: blood draws, hospice nurse visits, etc. I've begun to really appreciate the degree of denial that my brain is able to wrap around me, as it allows me to enjoy him more.

Henry suffered stroke-like symptoms. 48 hours later, fully resolved and with the tincture of time and some more clinical information we have settled on thinking that he likely had a seizure, caused by a small bleed in his brain that appears to have happened in the recent past. At the time of his stroke symptoms, we of course didn't know that less than two days later he'd be shooting nerf darts at his cousins as he ran around in the back yard laughing. The feeling I had was overwhelming: some amalgum of fear, loss, sorrow. I actually can't remember some of the time, but I recall crouching on the floor in my kitchen and sobbing.

How quickly the denial sets back in. How glad I am for it. For a few days I was paralyzed, unable even to fold laundry. Today I'm actively juggling again. Other than the episode above, today has been the worst part of Christmas for me. Putting away the tree, each of Henry's ornaments spoke to me, that next year when I put them on the tree he wouldn't be here.

9 comments:

femail doc said...

Oh my, the heavy-hearted joy of our survival. From folding on the floor to folding laundry... My heart goes out to yours.

rlbates said...

Same here (as femail doc). My heart goes out to you.

...tom... said...

...

hey there again...

In case you need some help juggling:

click me


I am sure you will never drop a ball. And when you do someone will be there for you.


...tom...
.

Cathy said...

I don't even know you other than from reading your blog, but I want you to know that if I could take away even one day of your pain and fear I would gladly do so.

My heart breaks for you and your family.

net said...

(((Doc)))

Praying for Henry and your family.

JeanMac said...

Sending hugs and love to you and your family - very touching.

THAT GIRL said...

Your words are so painful to read, and I'm sure they don't even touch how deep you feel that pain. Glad you have an outlet here, praying for you as you walk this unknown path. Praying especially for bountiful moments with your loved ones this coming year.

muirwoodsue said...

Sending love, hope, prayers and hugs your way. Know there are people out there who have never met you, but are there for you.

Michelle said...

I just found your blog today and read all the way through from the first post to last. I love your writing and my heart breaks for you and your family. I lost a daughter at birth and know there is nothing I can say to ease the pain, but know that I keep you in my thoughts.