Thursday, February 26, 2009

He's Gone

113 comments:

A Doc 2 Be said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A Doc 2 Be said...

There are no words to express how sorry I am to hear of your loss; no words that can help ease the pain and sorrow.

Thank you for sharing your lives with the blogging "family," letting us get to know your precious son, and showing what true grace and dignity really mean.

My deepest sympathy and prayers to you and your family.

platensimycin said...

I'm so sorry, Dr. Smak.

Best of wishes to you and your family.

OHN said...

I am so sorry.

MrsMiranda said...

For anyone who has experienced loss...the sadness will lesson, the memories will never fade. Keep him safe and warm in your heart till you one day meet again. I cry for you, I cry for myself and I cry for everyone who has to endure this kind of pain.

Susan said...

I am so, so, sorry your precious Henry is gone. Sending gentle hugs your way and also, a shoulder, should you need it, from one mom to another. sogren@rocketmail.com

Michelle W. said...

I am so very, very sorry. Please know my thoughts are with you and I have been, and will continue to pray for you.

Dr Shock said...

I am so sorry, take care Dr Shock

DCKate said...

Dr. Smak, I'm so sorry to hear about your family's loss. Thank you for sharing your and Henry's journey with us. My thoughts are with you all.

Ruth said...

Words fail. I send my deepest sympathy. Keeping you and family in my thoughts and heart.

the planet of janet said...

words like "i'm so sorry for your loss" seem inadequate, but it is the best of what i can offer.

my thoughts and prayers and deepest sympathies are with you and your family.

Bianca Castafiore said...

My family extends its sympathy to yours -- and its gratitude for sharing Henry's life with people completely unknown to you. It was a gracious gift. Thank you.

SOCKS said...

What a beautiful and symbolic picture to implant in our memories.

Karen said...

Your gorgeous boy.

Sympathy and prayers for you, your husband, your girls, and your larger family.

We've never met; I doubt I can help you or comfort you, but...know that your grace, courage, and love have been extraordinary to witness.

I am sorry for your loss.

Karen

Anonymous said...

Henry touched me through your writings.

Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with us.

Henry taught me that it isn't the years....it's the miles that count.

Love to you, your family, and to Henry.

Gayle in Chicago

Kathy said...

I'm so incredibly sorry and can't imagine what you must be going through. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Penelope said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Henry.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us, the humor, the joy, the fear.

We have walked with you and prayed for your strength.

M.M. said...

In Jewish tradition, one sits shiva (mourns) for 7 days. We tear a piece of clothing (on the right, left only for parents), sit low to the ground, and don't look at much of anything for those seven days. We pray constantly during that time, dedicating everything to the lost one. At the end of 7 days, one goes around the neighborhood for a walk, reintroducing oneself to the larger world and what still exists.

Thinking of you these next seven days.

Awesome Mom said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

gem said...

I am also a family Dr., in Ireland. I only found your blog a few days ago, and then it was taken down. I have been checking every day since. I am so sorry. Your writing moves me so much I already felt a connection to you and Henry. I can only begin to imagine what you have been through and will go through. I know it will not help but there are people all over the world thinking of Henry and praying for him and all your family. Take care.

Sybil said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. and
May Gods Grace and promise of peace be with you all
.
Goodnight blessed litle one.

with Love from Sybil in the UK

webhill said...

What a beautiful picture you chose to post in this devastatingly heartbreaking entry. My heart goes out to you and yours.
-h.

motherhugger said...

I'm Sorry

Anonymous said...

I'm Sorry

Harriet said...

I am so so sorry.

~*~Snappz~*~ said...

Thoughts, love, and tears for you and your family at this time.

Amy said...

I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am a physician and your writing has provided an important reminder of what a family experiences when a member is ill.

rlbates said...

So very sorry for your loss.

medmusings said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family will find the love, support and strength to get through this time. My thoughts are with you.

net said...

(((Doc & family))) My deepest sympathies.

Bri said...

May Henry live forever in your hearts and memories.

...tom... said...

...

"The burden of sorrow is doubled when it is borne alone." --Goran Persson

Would that we all could bear but a small portion of your grief and sorrow.

Henry's life and you telling of it brought great joy as you shared your love of him with us.


I believe, in the long run, his life will bring you and yours more joy and love than his passing could ever steal away. I fervently pray it does.


Godspeed.


...tom...
.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and I also want to thank you for your kindness in sharing your journey with strangers. Henry's story has helped me on my road; I hug my children a little more because of your story, and have more empathy for my patients' journeys. Please know this: his life has touched many lives.

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Henry with us. As a Mom (and a RN) this is a wonderful reminder of how human and vulnerable we all are. If only there were words....Please know you and your family are in my prayers.

~Nicole~

Anonymous said...

Dr. Smak, thank you for the beautiful picture of my hero.
k3p3

Anonymous said...

so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son....praying for comfort for you and your family in the coming days.

Margaret Polaneczky, MD (aka TBTAM) said...

I'm so sorry...

Dan said...

So very sorry. His story touched us all.

AngelMc said...

my heart goes out to you and your family.

Beth said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. Your posts have touched many strangers in ways you probably cannot imagine.

Anonymous said...

Know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Your son was and is a treasure; in his short years on this earth he touched and inspired the lives of many. You are an amazing mother and an amazing person, and we thank you for sharing with us Henry's story. We've learned from Henry to value life and to love one another. This is an invaluable lesson never to be forgotten. To Henry, we thank you. We'll carry you in our hearts.

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr Smak,

I am so sorry to hear of Henry's passing.

Thank you for sharing your lives at times joyous, at times sorrowful, with us.

My your beautiful memories of Henry bring a smile to your face amidst the incredible grief.

From an Australian mum.

red fish said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug.

sebby said...

So sorry to hear of your loss, and feeling so honored to have, even in a minor/cyberworld way, known of his bravery and yours. I wish you and your family peace as you deal with your loss.

Sebby

THAT GIRL said...

My heart is broken for you. I know that no words can or will ever touch the depths of your heart's hurt... know that I'm thinking of you and your family as you mourn and celebrate the awesome life that was his.

My Name, MD said...

i've been silently following this journey over these past few years and wanted to thank you.

you posts were very comforting during my sister's own battle with cancer. She too past away just recently.

I wish you nothing but peace during this new journey. One day at a time

Jen said...

Words can't express how sorry I am. I'm glad that his passing was peaceful.

Laura McDonald said...

I am so sorry. He is beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I miss him so much.

"Oh" by Dave Matthews:

I hear you still talk to me
As if you're sitting in that dusty chair
Makes the hours easier to bear
I know despite the years alone
I'll always listen to you sing your sweet song
And if it's all the same to you

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell
Love you oh so well

Sister Smak

ADB said...

I am deeply saddened to learn of your loss, and wish you and the whole family strength at this very difficult time.

Maire said...

My heartfelt sympathies to you & your family

Jeanne said...

Saying "I'm sorry" seems so small compared to the grief I know you must be feeling. All I can think of to say is that you and your entire family will be in all of my thoughts and prayers always. May your beautiful son rest in peace. Thank you for sharing a little bit of him with all of us. We are all lucky to have known him.

((hugs))
Jeanne

Indigo said...

Words are lost in light of the light that went out with your precious son. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you must be enduring at this time. I'm keeping you in my prayers on the smoke that creator continues to hold his hand on the other side. Your in my toughts during this time of sorrow. (Hugs)Indigo

Heather said...

My thoughts are with you and your family.

jt said...

Dr. Smak,
What a beautiful boy.
I drove to work this morning at 50mph, behind a big truck, not changing lanes, not listening to the radio or the ipod, just thinking about Henry.
My deepest condolences. JT

Lisa said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Henry was a beautiful child, Hugs Lisa

Gerry said...

I am so sorry. I came by the way of Call for Support and have read your brave and insightful entries preceding this good-bye to your son, and just want to register my sympathy and acknowledgement of your loss. Gerry

Hane2SO4 said...

Doctor, I want to share two things that gave me some comfort. One, a quote from a leukaemia patient to her husband: "I'm not going anywhere, you know. You can't fall off the universe." Second, every breath that your child ever took is still here.
Let me add my gratitude for your sharing Henry's life.
Jane Farries

PalMD said...

For Henry, who lives in the wind, the trees, and the heart.

The trees are windy


"The trees are windy," you said.
"You're right," I said.
"They sound very windy," you said.
"Your right," I said.
"They look windy, too, Daddy."
"They do," I said.
"I love you," you said.
I said nothing.

Sugar said...

please accept my condolences, so sorry to hear of your loss.
words do little to ease your pain right now, but i know the memories you have will never fade. carry them in your heart till you can carry henry once more.
ty for allowing us to be a tiny part of your lives, & getting to know henry has been a priviledge.
God bless you...

Anonymous said...

How I wish I could ease your pain. I hurt for you. I will miss him.

Nurse Smak

Missy said...

There are no words my friend. I cannot fathom what you are experiencing... My God, I know this is a nightmare. Please know that my sympathy is with you.. I am in tears actually.. Friend, I am so so sorry. Pray for strength and I will pray for your strength as well.. Take care...

Ten out of Ten said...

I'm so sorry Smak. Your family is in our prayers.

Poppy Q said...

We are sorry to hear about your beautiful son.

Poppy and Mum Q

Lisa said...

My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Rob said...

God Bless you and your family. Henry really has had a big effect on a lot of people.

I thank you and your husband for being as open as you have been - sharing with us the journey. As hard as it is, it allowed Henry to bless us all in ways that you will never know.

Zippy was created out of response to your struggle and continues to raise money for him. Thank you and God bless you.

Hollie said...

I'm so sorry.... A parent shouldn't have to go through this. I'm praying for strength & comfort for you & your family.

Laura in L.A. said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy, Henry. Sending love and prayers to your family. God Bless.

Love, Laura

Anonymous said...

So very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Missie said...

There are no words in the english language i can say to you right now to express how sad I am for you and your family.

Just know that now's he's happy, running around with some new friends up in heaven.

Anonymous said...

my comment was eaten by the internet.

I guess I just wanted to say that I miss Henry. And I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog a few days ago and read the entire thing in a short period. My heart is broken for you and your family. There are no adequate words to convey sympathy. May your family have peace and healing in the coming days. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Dee

Magpie said...

I hope it's is ok to put this comment here. I'm not very good with words, and this is a subject our language isn't really built for, but this idea helped a friend deal with loss. I hope it makes sense, and I hope it doesn't make you feel worse.

Time, Doc, is not a point. It seems like one, because the YOU you are right now can remember the past, but not the future, thanks to whatever processes lay down memory. Cause and effect, and all of that. The arrow of time fools us into thinking that time itself is a tiny point, moving along, creating ahead and destroying behind. But the you who started reading this post (a few seconds ago) is still there, in her time, starting to read this post. She thinks she's the only you, and she always will. She probably not aware that the future you is already here, in her future, looking back at her, just as there is a future you who has already finished reading and can look back at you right now.

When you walk down a corridor, does it leap into existence in front of you, and vanish forever behind you? No. Just because you are not in that bit of the corridor over there right now, or in the living room, or in China, it doesn't mean those places cease to exist.

Time is like space. It doesn't vanish behind us. This moment is no more significant than any other. You may think "it's different because I can't go back into the past" - but you ARE in the past. The you who heard Henry laugh for the first time is still there, still hearing it, and still thinking she is the only you. And she always will be there, forever. Just as the you reading this post will always be here, reading.

My point is that the universe doesn't go back, after we die, and erase our lives. There's a huge stretch of time back in the past where were don't exist yet. There's another massive length of time after we're gone. Just as there's a vast swath of space off to my left, and another one to my right. Does that empty space mean I'm not here? Of course not. And the same is true of our time. We live forever, in our time. Each moment is as real and important as this one.

I don't think for a second this can lessen anyone's grief, and everything you've said about losing the future Henry and he could have, and should have, been, is heart wrenching. I cried when I saw this post, and I'm just a stranger. But it's important, I think, to remember that Henry's life, all of it, is still there, in his time, and always will be. That he is gone is not nearly as important as the fact that he lived. When we're all gone, and there's no-one left to remember him, it doesn't make any difference. The universe remembers. Better, he can remember himself - in his time, forever.

Maybe this is all really obvious. Maybe it makes no sense, but it gives me comfort and I thought I'd share because I don't have the words to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss.

Moxie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Safe journey, Henry. My thoughts are with you all.

egtara said...

So sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.

Jes said...

Your family is in my thoughts.

ArkieRN said...

I ache for you. Your beautiful baby boy...gone. I am so sorry.

Annie said...

Your story -- Henry's story -- has touched me deeply. May God's comforting peace be with you and your family. My husband and I will make a donation in Henry's name to The Children's Oncology Group at Johns Hopkins.

I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm so,so,so sorry. I know there are no words to make this easier because he's your child. Your wonderful child. And we all wish he was still in your arms as well as in your heart...Liz

Karen said...

Back again to say simply that I was reading Meghan O'Rourke's reflection on grieving on Slate yesterday. She quoted a Franz Wright poem that made me think of you:

I basked in you;
I loved you, helplessly, with a boundless tongue-tied love.
And death doesn't prevent me from loving you.
Besides,
in my opinion you aren't dead.
(I know dead people, and you are not dead.)

Anonymous said...

May grace, strength, and peace be with you and your entire family at this time of great sorrow.

Dave said...

I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

Arlene (AJ) said...

Please know all of you are in my special thoughts and prayers. There are no words that will ease your sorrow over losing Henry. Just know I care and hope you feel all the hugs that are being sent to you, bless you all.

Mike said...

I just found you blog through a friend. I am a 40 year old Canadian father of three and I am in tears writing this.

I am so sorry for you loss, but you have been unbelievably graceful and brave in all this and your words are exceptional.

I think I need to go kiss my kids now. Yes, one of them is a 3-year-old boy.

liliannattel said...

I am so very sorry.

aaronschwartz said...

You through your writing and Henry through his being have given us an invaluable gift. You and he have changed the world and made it better. Thank you. I wish I could offer comfort, but I can only offer gratitude and the deepest sympathy.

Beijing York said...

Like Mike from Canada, I just found out through a mutual friend and have spent the last few hours pouring over your blog and your accounts of what you and Henry went through. I am heart broken and offer my sincerest condolences to you and your family.

CarrieWannaBePA said...

I am just a stranger in this wide world, but I feel like I know you and your family because of the blogosphere... I wish there was someway, somehow to ease your grief and lend you comfort. Everything I want to write seems so cliche, so tiny and insignificant. I hope that knowing how many people there are thinking about you, Henry, and the rest of the Smak family lends you some comfort, or peace, or something...
We're all here to lend an ear and a shoulder.

Mama Mia said...

Dr. Smak,

I am so very sorry for your loss. As I am currently in the midst of making arrangements for the very sudden loss of my brother, I know how little can be said. Please know that I am thinking of you. I hope that this shared grief somehow lightens the pain.

Jim said...

Dear Doc,

The Galloping Beaver passed your news on. I've been reading your story this evening. I'm really sorry.

I think Henry had a really, really good mother.

Claire Mason said...

Dr Smak,
I am so sorry for the loss.
So very sorry.
Sending you hopeful thoughts

michele said...

I am so sorry for your loss. He was blessed with a loving family.

Please accept my deepest sympathy and be gentle with yourself in this most difficult of times.

amanda said...

Feels as if the wind has been knocked out of me. I am so profoundly sorry.

medstudentmama said...

Dr. Smak,
You're prose and your poise stick in my mind. I've been thinking of your family and am so sorry to read that Henry is no longer with you.
with deepest sympathy, msm

Sinead said...

Dr Smak I am so sorry for your loss, please know I am thinking of you and saying a prayer for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Smak:

The picture is beautiful-so peaceful. Thank you for sharing Henry with us. He will live in my heart forever. An amazing child and an amazing mother. Words seems so meaningless at this time. May he rest in peace and may you and your family be comforted in the knowledge that your family gave him life's greatest gift--love.

ak said...

Your beautiful son Henry has through you touched so many- as have you and your family. Thank you for sharing. With sympathy and prayers for all.

The Country Doctor said...

I feel like I had a chance to know a small piece of Henry through your blog and am better for it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Cousin Dave said...

Thinking of you and the family from Tallahassee.

Anonymous said...

What a precious angel. I am so sorry for your loss. I continue to
pray for your family.

Dragonfly said...

So sorry for your loss. Thinking of and praying for you and your family.

Celeste said...

I'm so sorry.

He's beautiful.

Celeste

XE said...

I'm so so sorry Dr. Smak. I'm thinking of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Dr. Smak.

Like many others, I'd like to thank you for sharing your lives. So often in the rush of daily life, we forget what is the most meaningful to us.

My sympathy to you and your family.

Lisa Marie said...

My sincerest prayers and thoughts for your family.

twinmom said...

I also stumbled across your blog and just read every post you have made. My heart is aching for you and your family. I have twin 6-year-olds and can only begin to glimpse the darkness of the well you are now in. I find some solace in the explanation of time set forth by another commenter. It is comforting to know that Henry is still laughing, in his time. My deepest and greatest sympathies to you and your family.

pisceshanna said...

I can't believe everything that's happened since I started reading your blog. In a way, I feel like I've cursed it. Your son died on my birthday. My uncle also passed away on February 26 after battling MS for 30 years.

I don't know why this always happens at once, but its not a kind trick the universe plays on us. I hope you are finding some comfort in all these comments. You are an amazing woman, and I salute you.

The McMommy said...

Found you through snickollet.
Just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry.
Words escape me, but please know, I think your Henry was amazing, just like his mama.

Amelie said...

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.

Caustic Cupcake said...

I'm so sorry.

amy said...

I am so very sorry. You have helped so many by sharing Henry's story with us.

Yasmin said...

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." - Aeschylus

Henry was beautiful, inside and out, that is clear as day. You have touched more lives than you may know, not just as a physician, but as an intelligent, genuine writer who is not afraid to bare her soul.

You are a wonderful human being, please know that. Grieve as you must and love as you do.

With much care,
Yasmin

QueriesonFoodsandHealth said...

Browsing on your posts and looking unto Henry's pictures and posts about him, I felt a sudden loneliness. Indeed, life is too short, all we could do is to treasure those short moments that we experienced with that person. He may be gone, but his memories will remain forever. Hoping for time to heal all the pain and sufferings that you felt since Henry suffered from cancer, till his death and afterwards. Hope you find joy on the good and happy memories that is left behind.

Truly,
Peny@medical equipment