I wrote after Henry's diagnosis of my struggle with a feeling of betrayal by the universe. It wasn't that his cancer was a betrayal, but the fact that the universe knew before I did. I spent a lot of time wondering about future betrayals, worrying how to weather them.
The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. But why am I always looking at the other side? Why not keep my toes in my own grass?
As time has gone on, I've spent a lot of time worrying about the other side. How would it feel to experience life with a child who had no chance of survival? How would it feel to have your last Christmas with him? To think of all of the things that would never be? I couldn't imagine it would be anything but agonizing.
I was wrong. Life is not agonizing. There's a lot of unpleasant emotion to be sure, but there is yet so much joy and love. The universe and I are back on good terms, being as open an honest as we can, and as I am being as trusting as I can. I'm no longer searching for betrayal, wondering what will tip me off to badness ahead. I know my path, and though it has yet to unfold, I'm no longer afraid of it.
I just have to keep focused on my own patch of grass.