Who's to say
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be?Is this how its supposed to be?
-Jack Johnson, Upside Down
I remember the first shower I took at home the week after Henry's surgery in October 2007. This song played in my head, and I wept and wept knowing that I would play it at his funeral. For months I had trouble listening to it.
It's different now, so many things are. I love this song, and smile inside when it plays. Sometimes it still makes me tear up, but happy tears. This world keeps spinning. Indeed it does.
Intellectually I know that my reactions to Henry's death are normal, but the guilt that I have is intrusive. Which is curious for me, normally not being a guilt-ridden person. When I'm sad and down, I worry that I'm depressing the girls. Why has my middling asked to go play at a friend's house four days this week after school? Am I so melancholy? Is our house full of pain for her? Or is she just seven years old, and likes her friends? And then, on days I'm doing well, I wonder how I can go shoe shopping when he's been gone just 2 weeks. Just two weeks! It seems forever already. Do the girls look at me and think, "Geez, mom got over him pretty quick. Hope nothing ever happens to me!"
This is a hard time, but not in the way I thought it would be. I'm not overwhelmed with sadness, all the time. There are certainly moments. Mostly I just feel lost. I don't know how to feel, and it changes rather abruptly, and I'm not used to it. This world keeps spinning, as does my head.
I'm spent the last 4 months wishing for time to eek by, and wanting to see and smell and touch every minute. Now I wish I could fastforward life two years, to when I'll be feeling better.
Then, the guilt again. Two years I wish away, two years of my own life, two years of the girls. What if that's all I have? I already can see what I've missed of my middling...she grew up so much in the last 18 months, and I didn't see it happen. Do I want to miss more?
Is this how it's supposed to be?