Some things I didn't anticipate. This weekend we took the girls to a local resort, hoping for a time to heal and to try our family's sea legs with our new structure, new rhythm. What I realized as I watched the gobs of other families there is that I'm grieving for my family of five. It's what I always wanted and what I had. The day we brought my middling home from the hospital my husband and I looked at each other and said, "She's wonderful, but two isn't enough." This weekend, I couldn't get away from that thought. I looked at my beautiful healthy thriving girls and thought "Two isn't enough."
I feel myself reaching for it, grasping it, trying to get it, in a way that I don't with Henry. This is part of why I think I've really accepted his death, and where I want to be emotionally. I want to love him, remember him, miss him, without my brain trying to get him back in futility. But I haven't let my concept of "my family" go yet. It feels like one of those big metal puzzles where the ring is stuck in the middle and you can't get it off, but you know that if you try long enough, or just figure out the secret, you'll be able to.
if I have another child we'll have five again and it won't be Henry but it will help balance again but then there will be so much space between the kids that they won't play with each other so maybe I should have two more but then when the Eldest goes off to college the baby will only be 5 and they'll never bond and maybe I should consider adoption but I never really thought of myself as the adoption type and adoption takes so long anyway I should just get pregnant again now but then...Somewhere my brain believes that there is a solution to this, that there is a way to get my family back. I hate feeling this way. I feel like it cheapens Henry and my love for him, like his place in my perfect little family was more important than him as a human being, as my son.
I need to look at this "family", hold it, examine it from all angles, and then put it down. It's not mine anymore, and there's no way it can be.