Friday, April 24, 2009

Dreams

I dreamt about Henry last night.

The two-month anniversary of his death is tomorrow. Last night was the first I had dreamt about him. I've been wondering, waiting for it.

In residency we had some lectures on helping people through the loss of a loved one. We learned that many people hear, or see, their loved one after they are gone, and how important it is to normalize it, lest they think they are crazy.

I have so been hoping to see him, to hear him. After years of hearing him call "Mommy" from his room, I long for his voice, even if it were just a memory merged with a hallucination. Sometimes I'll see something out of the corner of my eye, but disppointment follows when it turns out to be an out-of-place chair.

Last night in my dream, he was how he had been the few months up to his death, happy, solid, warm. I drank in his face, his voice, and held him in my lap as I sat cross-legged on the floor. I knew in my dream that it was just a dream, that it was what I've been waiting for. He didn't, and played and talked to me.

It was wonderful. He was so healthy, so happy. I kept my hand on his wrist, to feel his strong and regular pulse.

It was wonderful. I hope he visits me again soon.

16 comments:

cv said...

I sure hope he does visit you again soon, too.

A Doc 2 Be said...

After my own son passed away, I used to dream he was alive again. Waking up in tears, knowing my little trooper was "elsewhere", I never found the solace or the warmth that you have with your own Henry in these dreams.

It has been 23 years since my own son passed away. Somewhere the dreams ceased despite the fact that I've never forgotten one moment with him.

Your continued courage, dignity, and grace throughout the entire lifespan of your little man, has been just that - courageous, dignified, and graceful.

Continuing to keep your family in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

May many happy dreams come your way. Toni

SOCKS said...

Dr Smak,

This post makes me cry, as usual, but they are tears of joy for you - for the little bit of satisfaction that this one dream gave you.

I'm so glad -

FrankandMary said...

I have a friend who believes her parents can "touch" her from where they are, having passed many years ago. They soothe her. Perhaps Henry is soothing you. ~Mary

ADB said...

All part of the process, and I'm happy Henry appeared in your dreams. Although not there in person anymore, he'll be with you for good.

AngelMc said...

Beautiful. My mother visits me in my dreams.

THAT GIRL said...

your love for henry is so solid... admirable.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Smak, so glad that Henry visited you the other evening-that is so special.
Next time you see him, tell him hi from me
k3p3

Snickollet said...

How lovely that he paid you a visit, and that you got to see him healthy, playing, happy, and full of love.

Indigo said...

We hold whatever we can close to us. Hold the dream, the feel of his pulse the memory of him ever closer dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo

Anonymous said...

I also hope he visits you soon again. How wonderful to have his little self back with you.

Laura in L.A. said...

I'm glad he's visiting you in your dreams.

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you, and I am praying that the passing of time will bring peace to your family.

Love, Laura

Stacy said...

Dr. Smak,

I'm so glad that Henry visited you in your dreams. I hope he visits again and brings you peace.

After my daughter passed away I wanted for her to visit me in my dreams. Finally 11 months after she died she visited me, my husband, and my mother all within a couple of weeks of each other. In mine I knew she was gone and it was just a dream. I knew I had to give her back at the end of the dream. It was weird, but soothing. It was the only time I ever dreamt of her and she has been gone for 4 years now.

-Stacy

Anonymous said...

I hope he visits you again soon, and continues to be warm and cuddly with you.

NEO-CONDUIT said...

Many cultures believe when someone visits you in a dream and they have passed on, then they are really visiting you. I believe in this after experiencing it for myself a couple of times.
When my grandmother was dying and I was far from her she came to me in a dream, I knew she had passed on, and she showed me she had. She was talking to me which she couldn't do in real life before she died due to a stroke.
I received a phone call a few hours later to say she had indeed passed.
This may or may not help, but Im sure wee Henry is letting you know he is o.k now.
Kind regards Kirst