Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Groundswell

It's getting bigger and bigger, stronger and stronger.

I fear I don't have a clue how big it will be. I'm not afraid of it, but not really excited about embracing it either.

I thought that I had already done some, in anticipation. I thought that 18 months of pain, fear, dread of the inevitable would have given me some progress, but I think I was wrong.

When he was first diagnosed, and in treatment, and then after relapse, there was so much to do. Some of the time we were in shock, but most of the time we were busy. He needed tending and energy, money had to be earned, appointments kept, the girls cared for. Carpe Diem. You only have so much time with him, don't waste it grieving, there will be plenty of time for that.

I haven't gotten through any of it yet. I'm back in October 2007, shocked that my healthy, smart, beautiful son is sick. Has a Hickman. Has lost his hair. Is in the hospital. Is losing weight. Is throwing up. Keeps falling down. Is scared.

I haven't done any of this yet. There is so much to do, to get through. I forced it all down, away, so that we could live while he was here. I guess it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do.

I can feel my brain grappling with the acceptance of it. He has cancer. He's going to die. He died, right here, where you are sitting and watching TV, he died. He was so so sick, for so so long, and he was only four, and he died.

I have so much to do.

16 comments:

A Doc 2 Be said...

One breath at a time, one moment at a time...

You have many, you may never meet, taking each step in faith with you.

It will get more manageable in time.

Promise.

/hugs

J

radioactive girl said...

Thinking good thoughts for you.

Karen said...

You did the best you could, for yourself, for your son, for your daughters, for your husband.

This sucks, and it could happen to any of us. I'm sorry it's happening to you.

ADB said...

Take your time, don't look (too far) ahead. It is a process that you need to go through, and hard it may be, you will come out the other end much stronger. Holding on to the good memories in the foreground.

rlbates said...

{{{hugs}}}

Laura in L.A. said...

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I am praying for peace for your soul, and I am sending loving thoughts to you and your family.

Love, Laura

webhill said...

When I read your thoughts, as in this post, tears come to my eyes. How impossibly terrible it must be. I wish there were a way to help.

But.

You're still here. You're still breathing. You're still getting up in the morning. You are very very strong. I think grief is like a river, personally. Sometimes it is swollen and raging and overflowing its banks; other times it is quiet, smooth, deceptively calm. The trick is to try to be like a willow branch and bend with the flow. After all, it's not like any of us have any choice in the matter. Continue, or cease to exist. And that latter choice? Doesn't help anyone.

ArkieRN said...

My heart aches for you.

Just know that prayers are being said on your behalf.

Terri said...

I lost my mother 1 year ago March 22, 2008 - she was my best friend, I don't think anyone could explain grieving or how you are supposed to feel, we are a very close family and there were days when my dad was ok, but me and my siblings would be having a horrible day, and its like you said you can plan for the "firsts" but its those little simple everyday things that all of a sudden pop up and just smack you for a loop with grief, and also like you said theres phases where you just try to put it altogehter and go what the heck happened and you relive everything and that moment and try to have it make sense and it can't. You just know it sucks, its not fair, and why is everyone going on with there life can't they see I am so sad. Time is a funny thing, it does help with healing, its funny how all of sudden I can put up pictures of my mom, I can go the place we had coffee without falling apart, but there will always be that impending feeling of loss and it does get easier. I found when I stuff the thoughts and the grief down and away, it will eventually bubble up and have to be expressed and alot of those times I just sit in my shower and cry til I'm done and it does help. There is no way losing a loved one compares to losing a child, but whoever we loose we loved and its a loss. Sounds to me like God chose a great mom, dad and family to intrust lil' Henry to for his time on this earth. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Smak, it sucks.
k3p3

Haitian-American Family of Three said...

I am so sorry. Just deal with it a little bit at a time.

Kathy said...

As stressful as treatment is, it's overwhelming, all-encompassing, and there is always something to do. Research new treatments, figure out how to best manage the nausea, blood draws, stem cell harvest.

At the end of treatment, suddenly there is time to think about what happened. What parent doesn't second guess their actions if their child dies?

It crashes in. There's this closet where we shove things during treatment, to the very back of a dark closet, then we slam the door.

One day there comes a time to open the door and clean out the closet.

Just remember you don't have to do it all at once.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry.

Cindy said...

I've been reading your blog for the past two weeks, wanting to say something but thinking what do you say to someone when you know sorry is not enough?

I just want you to know that my heart aches for what you are going through.

I will continue to pray for your family.

Anonymous said...

The day Snickollet linked your blog I started reading from day 1 and did not stop until the last entry. I wish it were possible for me to help you bear this pain.

Sybil said...

Just give yourself time...how long is anyones quess..but I hope that eventually you will find yourself having almost a day without remembering...

I have found this Easter Day particularily hard especially seeing the lovely Easter Lillies that were Jacquelines fav.and last time I saw and smelt them was last June at the funeral...

Hugs and Love sybil xx