Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Henry was never old enough to make me a Mother's Day card with a fat red crayon, the words trailing down the side since he hadn't planned ahead and left enough room.

It makes today easier, because I don't miss it.

When your young child dies, what do you miss? My ten year old used to make me those cards, and her four year old self is as absent from me as Henry is. I'm certain I don't remember Mother's Day with her at age 4.

Right now I miss him, as he was when he died. Is that what I will always miss? Will I "miss" him as he would have been at age 10? Can you miss what never was?

I've never been overly into Mother's Day, except for the fact that it tends to land on a sunny spring Sunday. I don't expect today to be awful for me, but I've been unexpectedly broadsided enough times that it wouldn't surprise me. I am forever fortunate to have my beautiful girls, and will try to keep that in mind today.

When I'm not feeling so sad, I can be grateful for being Henry's mom too. Some days I can't help that being outweighed by missing him.

7 comments:

THAT GIRL said...

"Can you miss what never was?"

I think so... it's funny how we measure time. Makes me think of that song from Rent (goofy, I know...) How do you measure life?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

and

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

For what it's worth, hope you have a beautiful day with your girls.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Smak:
Happy Mother's Day to you too.

FrankandMary said...

Through work I've done in Pedi & volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House, I've seen parents who miss what would have been at 10or 20, but I always think of how very lucky the child was, the parent was, to have each other for the time they did. I realize that is easier to do when I am not the parent, much. But sometimes parents pack 30 years of love into 4. ~Mary

rlbates said...

Hope you have a beautiful spring sunny day making great memories. :)

Anonymous said...

beautifully said.

Though my Dad has been gone for almost 34 years it only takes a whiff of someone wearing his aftershave, seeing the back of someone's head shaped like his, the comfort of flannel, a car like his, a song or food he loved, and I am once again a child of nine deeply missing her father, feeling cheated, and shocked to realize that at 43 I have lived 5 years longer than he.
I'm no longer blindsided...just appreciative of his love for the short time we had together.

Cathy said...

Was thinking of you today. I hope you, your girls and your husband had a good day.

Anna said...

Many many years ago, my little brother's best friend was diagnosed with leukemia just before they were to begin kindergarten, and he died when he was nine. What I remember so clearly is how his parents (our neighbors) always looked at my brother. It seemed to me that they were looking at him as if they were trying to imagine what their son (Steven) would have been like at that age, my brother's age - year after year. It was when my brother reached certain milestones that I saw the sadness in their eyes.

I'm sorry you only had four years with Henry.

May the memories of your sweet little boy always bring a smile to your face.

Anna