Thursday, June 25, 2009

Her too

She sat on the exam table and expressed her condolences. I forgot till she started talking that she had lost a son, too.

It's been 5 years for her. He was an adult, but just barely.

"It's been 4 months today," I said, and started to cry.

She said she was sorry to tell me that it gets worse before it gets better. The third year was really hard for her. As much as that sucks eggs, I'm glad she told me. Talking to someone who has lived through this is like talking to a don't have to explain yourself, or backtrack, or sidestep. She just gets it.

She said, "My mom told me I had to make a choice: crawl in a hole or keep going."

She's right.

I'm doing ok with the keep going part. She's not the first person to tell me that it will get worse. Everyone navigates this differently, but I suspect they are right.

So I'll keep going.


Snickollet said...

I'm glad someone told you that it gets worse. Although I wish I'd been warned, I don't often think to tell people who have experienced a loss. It seems like salt in the wound, but at the same time, it provides the opportunity for self-protection.

I'm glad you're going. Pause when you can, and when you need to.

rlbates said...

Here if you ever need a "lift" or a "pull" or a "push" to keep you going.

Anonymous said...

Always remember that you are not alone in your grief even though it feels like that sometimes.

I am also glad that you have kept going.

Anonymous said...

Oh, girl, I'm so sorry, but keep going!

Love, RRNC

Kat said...

It's been three years for me. And ya know for ME every year has gotten better. Every month has gotten better. I remember after Alex died talking to the pastor who would perform his funeral service and him saying "After the funeral is when the grieving begins". That scared me sooo badly because if I was feeling so torn into peices I couldn't imagine it getting worse.....

It didn't. Sure we all have those days. Those days where we think of them but don't fall apart, and we have those days where we fall before our feet hit the floor and it gets worse from there. But for me, the first days have gotten more, and the second set less as each passing month and year has gone by.

It really is just a different story for everyone. Hearing other's experiences is helpful, but don't let the fear that grips you when they talk about their story take hold. Your story may be totally different.


Stacy said...

I think it is different for everyone so try not to get so caught up in it. I will say that the second year was harder for me in the sense I felt lonelier.

The thing that scared the crap out of me was that I went to support group through the children's hospital. I remember looking at another mom - amazing woman, I must say - but being scared that she was still going to group 4-5 years out. Well, guess what? I'm that person now. It's been 4 years since my daughter died and we still go twice a month. Support group was the best thing for me. I did therapy as well, but there is something to be said for someone who just "gets it."

And, yes, keep going. You can't see it now and may not be able to see it for a very long time, but it is worth it.

AngelMc said...

oh doc smak, i think of you often and send up little prayers for you. again my heart goes out to you.