Sunday, June 14, 2009

My belly button

My poor readers, I abuse you so. I'm not certain why you're still along for my constant self-absorbed navalgazing, but I guess you get something out of this blog. I'm feeling quite guilty when I look back on my last several posts. They don't reflect very well my state of mind, overall. Unfortunately, my urge to write is wrapped up in looking for a catharsis for my grief. Hey, whatever works. But to look at the blog I should be close to slitting my wrists, and I'm far from that.

Overall I feel really, really good about my life. The grief continues to come in waves, and the days that I spend constantly biting my tongue so as not to cry are the days that I have to get it out, to come up with yet another metaphor for my grief. So through the emotional muck I drag you. It's not really fair of me.

The Smak family had a great weekend. A weekend trip, we revisited old roots, and got reacquainted with some old friends, going back to the town where we lived for eight years before relocating to get back closer to family. It was heartwarming in so many ways; definitely some good new memories. I didn't think of Henry as often as usual, which was ok with me. I was able to talk a lot about him without it hurting, again welcome. It was strange to see our old next door neighbor on her porch, we stopped the car when driving by the old house to say hi. The girls were put through the obligatory "My how you've grown" and I realized she had no idea that we had birthed and lost another child in the interim. Part of me wanted to mention him, but of course that wouldn't have been fair to her.

It was a whole part of our lives as a family that he was never a part of, and never will be. And I want that to be ok, because there's a lot more to come that will fall into the same category.

Anyway, readers, I'm pretty good. Not great, but good most days. I figured that I'd throw you a bone.

12 comments:

SOCKS said...

Don't beat yourself up too badly - I suffered through "Bleeding" but really could relate to "Everywhere" and thought it was just beautiful.

And, "The Question" with it's unlikely relationship to Banana Splits was enjoyable.

On the other hand, thanks for the smile and sunshine tonight - it's good to hear that you have more and more comfortable and less mournful times.

rlbates said...

I'm glad you are. :)

Pop and Ice said...

No need to throw a bone - after all, most bloggers aren't blogging about the mundane - but rather the ups and downs and surprises in their lives. Right now blogging about mourning is natural for you and we understand that.

But I am glad you had a good weekend with your family.

twinmom said...

Please do not feel guilty about sharing your grief. I stumbled upon your blog and now check it regularly. I find your entries to be insightful, touching, and an eloquent reminder to be thankful for every day that is part of life as I know it. If we, your readers, can help in any small way by bearing witness to your pain, and your triumphs, please allow us to do so. It is an honor.

Snickollet said...

Blogging is for the tough stuff, not the easy stuff. That said, tales of the easy are always a nice distraction. Just don't guilt yourself when you need to write about the things that are difficult.

So glad you had a nice weekend. We had a good weekend, too. Perhaps something is in the air.

shadowfax said...

I'm still here and glad to hear that you're finding some good days. Your sad posts are, well, sad, but I'm glad you can share them, and they make me that much happier for you when things are better.

Sybil said...

As I have been saying it just takes time...one day at a time is the way to go. Also we had a service at church yesterday...the very first time I have hear bereavment mentioned in a service and it was excellent. I was pleased to see that the feelings I have had...and you are having..are quite normal and I was not going mad ! ( I knew that but it was good to actually hear it out loud from someone else !!)
Keep in touch with us..
Much Love Sybil x

Karen said...

You don't owe it to us to post cheerily. It's your blog--use it how it best serves you.

That said, it's wonderful to hear that you are finding happy days and moments.

radioactive girl said...

I feel this way about my blog too. I feel like all I do is write about surgery etc. I guess when I am feeling happier or just regular, I don't write as much because I am enjoying regular everyday life. If you just went by my blog, I would be completely bipolar with all the ups and downs I write about.

I am happy that you are doing better than it seems on the blog, but I figured/hoped that was the case since it definitely is for me.

Taking Heart said...

You don't owe us anything... it is our priveledge to get a window peak into your heart! We all share hard things on our blog... the blessing is that it connects us with others. But, mostly, when we write the "ugly" side of things... it is for our own healing.

I appreciate all you say.

...tom... said...

...

A bone is tasty now and then. But not worth worrying about. Gristle, fat, bones, top sirloin ...if we find it valuable we keep coming back. (Just dont be offering no asparagus ...there are limits to good hospitality. ...:minism:...)


Bloggers post for all sorts of reasons. From the celebratory to the cathartic and every mix possible in between. It is what it is.

That peeps continue to read is 'nuff said.


RE: this post. Going 'home' (or what used to be 'home') can be big fun. Glad to see your trip apparently was for you and yours...


...tom...
.

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