Monday, September 28, 2009

Lite-Brite

I've been better lately.

My thoughts, my moods are lighter, brighter.

I'm able to be quiet again. I'm able to think about the future without sadness again. Not all the time, but sometimes.

It's starting to feel normal, his not being here. Four plates at the table. The empty bedroom. The drawer full of unused sippy cups that we can't seem to get rid of. Not good, not expected, but normal. The hole that he left is slowly being filled in by time.

I have little use for guilt. I think I struggle with it less than most. I feel like I should feel more guilty than I do, but I don't. I think that's ok.

We went to a family bereavement group last week. It's the first one we attended, and the girls enjoyed it. I found it equal parts useful and exhausting. Many of the parents there talked about guilt. About feeling so bad about moving on and feeling good that they force themselves to go back to the pain. One mom, who lost her son to a brain tumor 18 months ago, said "It doesn't get better, it just gets different."

For me it is better. I hope that's ok.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you are feeling better.. and you know what? It is ok...it really is.

Jill said...

Your strength inspires me. Your girls are lucky, both that you take them to a family bereavement group, and also that you can let go (in some ways) and move toward acceptance.

A Doc 2 Be said...

Keep going to the bereavement group, keep healing, keep remembering your little man.

It is completely okay to heal - your girls need you to heal so they too, can heal and accept and live and grow and ...

Continued warm thoughts and (()) your way.

rlbates said...

I think it's okay. Take care.

Karen said...

It would be okay to heal even if you didn't have your daughters depending on you to do so. I am glad for you, that you are able to recalibrate your expectations of normalcy.

I think there are people who have an easier time of accepting an unwelcome reality. It doesn't mean that we love less truly or less intensely, only that we are more able to accept and live with our new "normal" without beating ourselves up for accepting what we can't change.

Regardless, I am glad for you.

radioactive girl said...

It is ok to feel however you feel. People handle things differently and I actually love that you don't feel guilt. Guilt is kind of a useless thing because there normally isn't anything you can do about it.

I love that you are going to the group, and love that you are feeling better.

Snickollet said...

Feeling better is totally OK. I'm glad you feel better.

Between this post and a number of things transpiring on the home front, I think it's time for our grieving clan to look into family bereavement groups, too.

I've been able to let go of my guilt pretty effectively, but it does make me sad to notice that my memories of John are fading.

Katerina said...

I'm really glad!

Speaking of feeling better, I have a terrific (say those who've tried it...) recipe for (apple) pie crust. Made it twice last week and it is so very good, and very buttery. Will e-mail it to you if you'd like.

Dr. Smak said...

Thanks to all for the supportive comments.

Katerina, yes please!

...tom... said...

...

Wow.

I am late . . .but no matter. Everything that I might have touched on has been said.

By you, by your friends here. Like slowly twisting an unmounted gem in your fingers. So many facets ...so many facets glinting and fading and sparkling again.


Thoughts and hugs as always...


...tom...
.

Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Good to hear your feeling better.

Anonymous said...

This made me cry. It's okay, really it is. And it's even better to talk about feeling better. It gives others permission to move forward, too.