Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Peeking through

Of late, I find that I am able to have positive memories of Henry. This is a change.

Up till now, virtually all of my memories of him were laced with Cancer. When he was younger, did he have it then? Remembering the time around his diagnosis. Remembering the chemo, the treatments, the vomiting, holding him down to give his meds. Terrified of relapse. And then, the agony of simultaneously treasuring every minute while watching his death bear down on him like a freight train. Unable to fight, unable to run, even unable to scream because it would scare him and make things worse.

Cancer infiltrated his body, his life, our family, my being his mom.

I have hoped for good memories of him. It's been hard. There was so much pain. But a few are beginning to peek through.

I can remember how soft his cheeks were to kiss, without remembering that he was bald from chemo when I kissed them then.

I can remember his voice as he made one of his quirky comments without seeing the steroids all over his body.

I can remember his pleasure with a toy without focusing on the fact that he played with it because he was so limited otherwise.

My memories remain laced with grief. They make me miss him more. But I'm really glad that the cancer is finally letting go of him, if only in my head.


Snickollet said...

In the moments and days just after John died, my only bit of comfort was that in death, he no longer had cancer.

What sweet memories of Henry, his soft cheeks, his little voice.

Wishing for you that the good memories continue to bubble to the surface.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful and heart-wrenching to read. I am so sorry for your loss and I'm so glad your good memories are making their way up.

Patti (mamacrab)

A Doc 2 Be said...

continued hugs and support... your writing is poignant.


SOCKS said...

A beautiful post, a beautiful boy.

Anonymous said...

That's what tincture of time does for us. It's not true that it heals all wounds; the wound, the void, is still there. But with time, the pain draws down to just the wound itself. The tissue around heals.

...tom... said...


I'm really glad that the cancer is finally letting go of him, if only in my head.

I am sure 'the cancer' was always an unwelcome visitor; h3ll, an uninvited and reviled intruder.

It is wonderful to see warm memories of your son shine through all that darkness and cold and pain.

I am sure Henry felt loved and cared for and was free of the prescient sense of loss and unfairness felt by those who loved him most.

You should give yourself and Dad and family more credit for that than you probably do.

As AD2B suggests ...your thoughts are always worthwhile and poignant.


ADB said...

Henri was released from the cancer when he passed away. I am pleased that the positive memories are beginning to come back. Be well

Sybil said...

Dear Dr Smack, so glad that you are starting the long haul out of the ddep ddep ravine that you have been in. It is so hard. The hardest [art for me is that I just cannot "hear" my beloved goddaughters voice...one day perhaps.
Love sybil xx

winecat said...

I'm glad you're finally able to "see" happy memories of Henry.