Grief has been my kidney stone recently.
Most injuries, most illnesses that result in pain, make people motionless. If I don't move my broken arm, it won't hurt. Not kidney stones. That sharp edged stone just doesn't settle into a comfortable spot in the ureter with it's smooth walls. So most people with kidney stones are constantly shifting, trying without success to find that one position where it doesn't hurt.
This has been my recent MO. Henry's absence has been a constant presence for me. My middling and I scrubbed fingerprints off of doors this morning, and all I could think was that none of them were Henry's anymore. We went to a high school production last night, and ordered 4 tickets. Not 5. I spent it wondering if he would have liked it (decided he wouldn't have). My middling is lying on the floor building with Legos as I type. Alone. Without her brother.
And the discomfort that is leading to has me constantly looking, without success, for that position of relief. When I'm at work, I'm wishing I wasn't, wanting to be home where I can be alone with my pain, take off the happy face. Home hasn't been much of a relief either. My impulse is to push the girls away, though I feel terrible about it. Being along doesn't help much either, I spend it wishing my family was with me again.
I do feel the need for a support group, that I have yet to find. Our family grief group is useful, and I am grateful for it, but it's brief, far away, and we have trouble getting there now that soccer season is in full swing. I have not found an online group that I feel I can participate with. Most parents seem to turn to religion and the afterlife to comfort themselves, and I can't find any solace there. To boot, I have a realistic fear that I'm just barely hanging in there right now, and I am afraid of someone else's naked grief pulling me under.
I have also recognized that I have significant anxiety about three upcoming events. They are all very public fundraising events where people we love and who loved Henry give their time and money to support. I've admitted to myself that I'm dreading each one. Social events suck me dry of all energy on a good day; to stand and welcome friends, and strangers, and thank them genuinely, as they deserve, is exhausting. I feel like I have a scarlet letter on my chest, whatever letter you'd wear as a bereaved parent. It's awkward, and uncomfortable, and I wish they were over. These events are important, and I'm so appreciative of the work that goes into them, and the fundraising that results, but I just want them to be done.
So, this post was my attempt at lithotripsy, to break that damn stone up a little bit so I can pass it soon. I continue to find this blog a huge source of support; I remain grateful to all of you.