Sunday, April 4, 2010


Like so many of you, spring is my favorite season.

I love to garden. I love to go my local nurseries, see what new colors they have in pansies this year. I love the sun (and no, I'm not good about sunblock, though I counsel my patients to be.) I love the warmth, and would prefer to have the house open and a fresh breeze than the AC on. Who doesn't love spring?

Last year I didn't love spring. It was still warm, breezy, beautiful, but I didn't enjoy it. At all. I wasn't surprised, things were still too fresh, obviously. The things that I normally take great pleasure in, particularly gardening, were a chore to me. I did them poorly and half-heartedly. I was still emotionally hemorrhaging, going through the motions of life because I didn't know what else to do to distract myself.

In retrospect, I've had a rough few weeks. It's odd to me that I have such difficulty recognizing my grief cycles, until I'm looking back on them. And it's so strange to feel COMPLETELY out of control of them. I truly do not feel like I can "pull out" of a down cycle thru my own volition. Grief happens to me. I think that's where my last post was born; my sense of lack of control is frustrating to me.

But last week, one day I woke up and it was gone. It was there when I went to bed, and simply gone in the morning. I was energetic, positive thinking, engaged, all before I hit the shower. And it's a short walk from the bed to the shower. Since then, I've felt great. I've had some difficult moments, cried some, missed Henry a lot, but it was all from such a different perspective than where I was just a week ago. Last week I was considering putting away some pictures of him since they pained me when his eyes caught me off guard. This week the same pictures are making me smile.

Another grief lesson learned, I guess. But I'm glad that I'm enjoying spring.


rlbates said...

I'm glad to hear you are enjoying spring. :)

Sybil said...

So glad to read a more positive Dr. Smack...As I always say the grief always comes in waves..thankfully as the years pass the time between the waves becomes calmer.. enjoy the spring days as they come.
much Love Sybil x

Katerina said...

I'm so glad!!! Hooray for spring, sunshine, flowers and green grass!

Anonymous said...

Spring is a good thing....even this gal without a green thumb is seeing the growth.
love to all of yours

socks said...

I'm glad for you - and glad for me.

Margaret Polaneczky, MD (aka TBTAM) said...

I love Spring too. Having somewhat of a happy time of it myself these days.

Good times.

Hold on to them....

Donna said...

I stumbled upon your sight. I too lost a child and in reading your comments find that these feelings we have when losing a child is so alike. This grieving cycle is just like riding a roller coaster so up and down. It's been 5 years for me but there's still such a hole in my heart. My thoughts are with you, my friend, One day, one moment, one breathe at a time!!!
From one mother to another, I'm so sorry for your pain