Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Three years

Landon has died.

MacKenzie is dying.

I saw a patient today, who I have seen for years. For the first time, she referenced her daughter's death to cancer, 7 years ago.

Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of Henry's diagnosis.

It seems everywhere some days.

Fall has been brutal for me for three years now. Aching, raw, making me want to close my eyes and look away till it's over.

Hoping that I'm not speaking too soon, this year is better. So much better. I am beginning to feel happy, satisfied again, on a consistent basis. And I'm not struggling with too much guilt about that. A much better place to be. I see the same on the faces of my family. The girls are confident, poised, happy, their constant underlying anxiety gone. My husband continues to have rough days, as do I, but overall doing well. It has been some time since one of us hit one of those really hard patches where it felt like you just weren't going to make it up for air again.

I wish I knew what to say to their mothers. I of all people should. But I don't know why this year is better. Honestly, I think it's just time.

There is nothing to do but to keep going, and wait.


Snickollet said...

Sorry, always, that Henry died.

Glad that things are getting better. Like you, I think it's just time. There's nothing you can do to make things any better, but ever so slowly, somehow, things do trend upwards.

rlbates said...

Wish I could do more. {{{hugs}}}

radioactive girl said...

I am happy that things are better this year. I do understand though that better doesn't necessarily mean good. Sometimes life is so sad and unfair and it just makes me so angry. Obviously all we can ever do is to make the best of what we have, but knowing that truth doesn't make it easier to take sometimes. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and if there is ever anything I can do to help, please let me know. I know people say that all the time and sometimes that sounds like just words, but I hope you know I really mean it.

ADB said...

With the passage of time, your grief will become less difficult to bear; as other events serve to take the worst edges of it. My thoughts are with you and the loved ones of those who are gravely ill or have recently died.

Arlene (AJ) said...

My heart goes out to all who have lossed a love one...we've had our share in my family and I find that on their special days that by lighting a candle and looking at a picture or something that was theirs and saying "I'm thinking of you, you're always in my heart and I love you" that it brings me comfort. Time does help, our loved ones would want us to move forward, but it takes time until we feel that peace in our hearts. Being there for anyone needing a hug or shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen to them talk about what they are going thru can really help someone needing it. Bless you dear.

Granya Smak said...

Dr Smak,
Thank you for this reminder - I'm ashamed to say that I forgot this particular date this year.

I'll never forget the phone call and the hope, exhaustion, and despair that followed. There were light moments, laughter, Henry's spirit and strength, and finally his fading away.

His life and death altered our lives forever. Inspite of the loss, he was a gift.

Anonymous said...

I remember every detail of this day three years ago. Thinking of you and of Henry.

Nurse Smak

...tom... said...


"I wish I knew what to say to their mothers. I of all people should."

I hope you are not burdening yourself with task of explaining the impossible to others ...when you yourself are stilling 'figuring it all out'.

A link to your story, Henry's story, as shared here over the last 3-plus years might be as 'helpful' as anything you could share.

As always, {{{online hugs}}} from a friendly stranger...


alwaysmomof4 said...

Just found your blog from the Mamapundit site. So sorry for the loss of your son, but grateful for your simple and reassuring words that things get better.
I lost my 19 yr. old son Jordan on 10/12/08 in an auto accident. I see and feel small shifts in my family and me so despair does not rule but it certainly comes to call especially in October.