It wasn't so much a New Year's Resolution, but after the turn of the year, I felt a shift. I have been feeling so very grief-focused for the last two years that I have a sense of loss of control over myself that is uncomfortable. I was beginning to feel that it was time to move on in my grief, to try to feel less angry, less afraid, less picked-upon-by-the-universe, and more stable, more gracious, more able to say to myself and anyone who wants to hear, "My son died, but I'm moving on with my life and using my experience to become a better person."
As the anniversary of Henry's death approached, the grief took over again. It's akin to watching my patients struggle with substance abuse, they may do well for weeks but a slip will remind them that they are not in control. The analogy breaks down in a lot of ways (not as many depending on your theory of substance abuse) but the loss of control is the same. I feel at the whim of my grief, not able to manipulate my life in the way that I want to.
As the anniversary fades, things are better again. But it's left me feeling somewhat naive for my optimism of January.