Saturday, March 5, 2011


It wasn't so much a New Year's Resolution, but after the turn of the year, I felt a shift. I have been feeling so very grief-focused for the last two years that I have a sense of loss of control over myself that is uncomfortable. I was beginning to feel that it was time to move on in my grief, to try to feel less angry, less afraid, less picked-upon-by-the-universe, and more stable, more gracious, more able to say to myself and anyone who wants to hear, "My son died, but I'm moving on with my life and using my experience to become a better person."

As the anniversary of Henry's death approached, the grief took over again. It's akin to watching my patients struggle with substance abuse, they may do well for weeks but a slip will remind them that they are not in control. The analogy breaks down in a lot of ways (not as many depending on your theory of substance abuse) but the loss of control is the same. I feel at the whim of my grief, not able to manipulate my life in the way that I want to.

As the anniversary fades, things are better again. But it's left me feeling somewhat naive for my optimism of January.


A Doc 2 Be said...

Dr. Smak,

You may never approach the anniversary without the pain. Always a reminder, blunt, fierce, and difficult of a life that once cherished while in the flesh, still cherished in the heart.

My son would be 25 on March 26th. He has been gone for 24.5 years; and it still pains me when the day approaches. Less so than 23 years ago, but pain nonetheless.

Virtual hugs from afar as you continue to move forward on your own life's path.


radioactive girl said...

For me, I like to be in control of things, especially myself, and the lack of control I feel over how my moods swing around is almost making me more upset than the actual moods swinging.

We have different situations, very different, but we seem to be having the same kind of waves of emotions. I'm thinking good thoughts!