Friday, September 23, 2011

Rainy weekends

A long time since my last post. The catharsis of blogging, the need to explore my feelings, both for myself and to share with readers, greatly lessened. Hard to say why.

Grieving continues, it always will. I do feel that I have plateaued, that this may be where I land. When I am busy and engaged in life, most days I feel mostly happy. Sometimes, even when busy and engaged, the grief is there very close to the surface, like a non-healing wound covered by a very thin layer of recovery. It's a wound that I am used to, that I can live with, that I can cope with and still get through my day.

Too much quiet is still very hard. Lazy rainy weekends, sleepless nights, too much car time, all give my mind opportunity to re-enter the deep well of grief that will never dry up. Avoidance is useful. I still knit, a lot, to fill that quiet with a little noise. I watch more TV than I ever have. At a grief group, one bereaved family last fall related how they went to go stay in a hotel for a holiday weekend, just to not be home and deal with the emotions there. They looked around at the hotel lobby at the other patrons and wondered to themselves, "What are you all running from?" I think about this often. Those people who schedule every second, who overcommit, who never take time for themselves, I used to see as superhuman, as better than me, an introvert who enjoys quiet/lone pursuits. Now I wonder what void they are trying to fill, what it is they don't want to think about as they sit in their living room at night.

My life continues to have many many blessings, and now one more. We are expecting a baby in February. After what seemed a rocky start, all seems to be going as planned. I am most definitely avoiding getting emotionally committed to this child, which seemed appropriate early on, but now that I am visibly pregnant and feeling the baby move seems less so. The emotional roadblocks are everywhere; for now I am intentionally ignoring them. I know that I'm not stunted, I will be ready when the time comes, but for now thoughts of getting the baby's room ready, or of even having the joy of another baby when my last baby was Henry, puts me in a tailspin. Additionally, we have our official ultrasound next week. My conscious self is excited, wants to see the baby and find out the sex; deeper, I'm treating this like one of Henry's MRIs, waiting to hear the news that all is so very not well, while trying my damnedest to be optimistic but already feeling that pain.

It looks to be a rainy weekend.

14 comments:

Betsy said...

I am sincerely hoping that the ultrasound shows a developing fetus with no detectable problems. I know you're remembering your boy every day, but you're also finding a way to embrace life in a big way. This is inspiring! Thinking of you and holding great hope for your pregnancy and its meaning for your family!

shadowfax said...

"Like"

Snickollet said...

Oh, congratulations! Deep, deep, heartfelt congratulations. I got chills reading your post, such a huge mix of intense emotions.

Wishing you well, thinking about you and rest of your family and the baby.

rlbates said...

Oh, congratulations! and ditto Betsy. Will get busy with a new baby quilt. :)

Sybil said...

I am so pleased that a new phase in all of your lives is about to start. It is only natural that you are full of mixed emotions but I am sure as months go by more days will be filled with happy thoughts of the new arrival. Keep us in touch..
Love Sybil xx

mommo4.5 said...

Very happy for you. And I, too, got chills reading your post.

kris said...

so glad to hear your news. i think it is to be expected to have feelings on this that are fear and joy both. let us know how things go.

shihtzustaff said...

I don't know you. I have been reading your blog since right before Henry died. I was so deeply happy for you when I read your blog today. My heartfelt congratulations. I wish you and your family all the best.

Anonymous said...

So glad to see a post.

And thrilled about your good news!

Congratulations!

As others have said and I'm sure you realize, mixed emotions at a time like this are to be expected. Go easy on yourself.

Carrie

Arlene (AJ) said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers always dear, have been waiting to hear an update from you....you certainly had surprising news for all of us and my prayers are for a good ultrasound showing a healthy baby for you. It's been a rough time for you losing your pressure Henry and I know you'll forever miss him and he'll hold a special place in your heart.Let's hope this is the start of peace and happiness in your heart again dear.

radioactive girl said...

I know we have talked about this before, the way after something so huge and awful you will just never be quite the same again. I go into every single medical test I have trying to be confident that it will be good results even when I know in my heart it won't be. Before I would just take for granted it would be fine and never even think about what could be. I suppose it is good in some ways that I am more realistic/pessimistic now, the disappointments don't seem quite as great since I was halfway expecting them anyway. I do wish there was some way to go back to not knowing though, and I am sure you feel that way too.

I am so happy for you and your family with the excitement of the new baby! I do think it is fine for you to be hesitant about getting attached even though you are excited. Hopefully you will feel more secure after the ultrasound. I am thinking good thoughts for you and your whole family!

NormalWasNotMyGoal said...

I am happy for your family. It's such a strange journey this thing we call 'living'.

Blessings

Anonymous said...

Oh, how wonderful! I'm so looking forward to enjoying the magic of a baby through your blog.

You and your husband will be different parents with this baby than you were with Henry, just as you were different parents with Henry than you were with your girls. Even if you tried, you couldn't be the same. Time and circumstances have changed you, and this baby will be a new person with different needs and different responses. It will be natural and normal to compare this baby's milestones with Henry's (just as you probably compared Henry's with your daughters'); just try not to give it any more weight than that. And don't feel guilty about making those comparisons. You honor Henry by remembering who he was, and you celebrate this baby by being mindful of its development.

Very best wishes to you all.

...tom... said...

...
hey there Smak..!! Long time me no read, you no write..!!


you said...
"... all give my mind opportunity to re-enter the deep well of grief that will never dry up. "

I am telling ya . . .this writing thing might work out for you yet.

.

. . .and that paragraph that everyone else has commented on..??

. . . ...:sohappyhappyhappyforyousmiliemoment:...


...tom...
.