Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Nursery

Henry's room looks the same as the day he died. Ok, not entirely true, it's a little cleaner, but his bed, toys, clothes are all where they should be.

I don't go into his room often, but I crave it at times. It helps me feel close to him, to dust his dresser, touch his blankets, look at his clothes. I'm always sad when I do it, but I usually only go there when I'm already sad.

His ashes are in there as well, in a handsome wooden box with his name on it. I've only picked up the box twice since he died. It is not soothing to me to hold it, but I like it being in the house.

We're T-minus 13 weeks to baby, presuming she shows up around my due date, which the other three did. I've written before that I wasn't ready to prepare for her, plan for her, get excited for her arrival. Lately, I've been feeling like it's getting to be time.

I had thought that cleaning out Henry's room and preparing for the new baby were flip sides of the same coin. They aren't. I went into his room this morning to try to make a stepwise plan of what to do to begin the transition from his room to hers. I couldn't. I don't want to put away his toys. I don't want to store his clothes. I don't want to paint his walls. I don't want to give up the closeness, the connection that his room gives me.

I was waiting till I was ready. I don't think I'll ever get there.


Sybil said...

I don't think we are ever really ready to let go of our loved ones, and I don;t think that we ever's just that we must..for the sake of those who have been left behind,
I often wonder if our loved ones can settle anywhere if we are still longing for them to be back amongs that a daft thing to say...I don't know...I do know that after a long time I went into my Mothers room and had a clear and clean was horrible..she was everywhere there, her smell was there...I felt she was actually there. I sat down on her empty bad and once again broke my heart and suddenly I somehow felt like something had suddenly gone...there was a stillnes in the room, like nothing before and I somehow or other felt at peace...and although there is rarely a day passes without I think of her, now it is without the heavy sadness and actually sometimes I even thank the Lord for taking her and I know that all is well..
I pray that one day very soon you will feel this peace just as I did that day..
With Love a rather tear stained Syil xx (they never stop!)

Anonymous said...

Try making his things a part of your life. When I go to Mom's house, which is still basically the way she left it, I sleep in her bed, put my clothes in her dresser and I "play" with her "toys". That gives me comfort, that I am enjoying the things that gave her joy.

OHN said...

You don't have to go in and change everything at once. Put in a crib, and some necessities then let time dictate when things need to come out or be shared. No little ones have been harmed by having the "wrong" color or "wrong" toys in a room. She isn't replacing Henry. That could never be done. As her needs grow and her collection of things change you will know when it is time and while nothing will make it easy, looking into the eyes of your new child you will know when the time is right.

Abby said...

Babies don't need their own rooms anyway. You can put a pack and play in your room for the first few months--it'll save you a lot of walking down the hall at night. Don't push yourself. You still need Henry's room.

NormalWasNotMyGoal said...

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your pain. You have written it so beautifully without taking away from the anguish. I hope it has helped you in your journey.

A Doc 2 Be said...

I did not know if you would post again, it'd been so long. I followed Henry's story and your grieving process.

When my son died, I did not know. I did not know how to cope. Did not know how to mourn. Did not know how to continue to live. Did not know what to do with Austin's clothes, or pictures, or anything.

So, since I did not know and it did not feel "right" at the time, I did absolutely nothing.

I gave myself the sense that I did not have to do anything until I was really ready.

When my 2nd son was born, life started anew.

Eventually, the pictures of Austin were put away. Eventually, I even stopped going habitually to his grave on anniversary and birthdays.

It took many years to get to that point, but when I go now, I want to be there, it feels "right" just as it felt "right" when I finally put his things away.

It sounds like you are giving yourself that same sort of break from "must do" to "not now" - you're smart, brave, poignant and there's no doubt, you'll know when your time is "right" ...

Congrats on the new baby!!!