Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Nursery, part 2

So this weekend we tackled Henry's room. We packed up his dresser full of clothes, and several toys, before we had to stop. It was okay. It made me remember a lot of things that I had been tucked away in my memory, and it made me sad, but I felt ready to do what we did. There's a good bit left to be done, we will get to it when we get to it.

The baby's due date is less than 8 weeks away. Henry's illness and death has tainted the joy of this approaching event, but no more than the way it has tainted the rest of our lives. I find myself thinking things like, "If I buy a bunch of diapers and the baby dies, I'll just have to return them." My next thought is "What the hell is wrong with you to be thinking that way?!" followed closely by "Why wouldn't you think that way, after what you've been through?" I'm doing my best just to follow my instincts, both maternal and self-care, and so far it is working for me.

We haven't named the baby yet. Historically, we always have a name by now. There have been multiple names, and multiple lists, and a lot of toggling of positions, but we don't have one. I wonder if we're just not ready to commit yet.

I have knitted the baby a sweater, and a pair of booties. I haven't yet purchased a single thing for her. The girls are eager to start; today may be the day.


radioactive girl said...

It seems pretty natural and normal to be exactly as you are. I can totally understand the negative thoughts and then the getting mad at yourself for thinking the worst could happen. You have been through a lot! There is no way to unknow or unfeel what you know and feel. I don't know what it is like to actually be in your position right now but I can imagine I'd react very much the same way you are describing. It doesn't seem like you aren't excited, just that you are cautiously excited and just kind of cautiously feeling things in general. That makes a lot of sense given what you have been through.

I think I'd probably guard my emotions a little and not want to feel too excited or happy because to me (now) it seems that anytime I am happy or excited it leads to something bad. That isn't actually true, but in my own situation I feel that I am often very careful about my happiness, where before I would have not been. As if I am always afraid to fully go all in with joy because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and take it all away or something. Maybe with time I will be more able to just enjoy things, but maybe not. Experiences, both good and bad, shape how a person deals with new things and I think we both have been at least slightly changed by our own recent issues.

Thinking good thoughts for all of you!

Sybil said...

And so another page has been turned and soon another will be turned and before we know it a new year and many new experiences will be opening for us all.
My love and many hugs winging their way towards you ALL and wishing you love, health, happiness, peace and good friends in abundance each and every day throughout 2012..
LOve Sybil xx

socks said...

Tween Smak and I went shopping today - she is so excited - even verbalized how she "can't wait" and went nuts in the baby clothes department.

And, reading between the lines, as she talks about her Mom, the baby, the pregnancy, there is always reverence and respect and adoration - such delight that she could help her Mom return to a standing position after squatting - the baby was in the way.

You and Mr Smak are role models like no other.

rlbates said...


A Doc 2 Be said...

I remember when I was pregnant, 5 years after my first son died. I remember the fear. I remember the sometimes overwhelming worry of "what if..." I remember trying to love without getting to close to my unborn son.

And then?

He was born. And the joy I thought I was missing or thinking that there was something wrong with me because I was not overly excited during pregnancy?

Was replaced with sheer bliss.

Here's to wishing you soon-to-be moments of bliss!

Anonymous said...

thinking of you and your gang
love K3P3