Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Nursery, part 3

The nursery is ready for the new baby.

Henry's bed has been disassembled; the crib is up. His clothing is stored; hers is washed, folded, and waiting for her in his old dresser. We did leave a number of his things out, comfort items for us, but the room is most certainly not his anymore.

It was difficult, but not impossible.

Both Mr. Smak and I expressed an unexpected sense of relief at "the putting away" of his things. It brought a physical reality to the emotional moving on that we are all doing.

I see, as the months slip by, my connections to Henry weakening. It's not intentional, it's the way of all things. The longer he's gone, the less I remember. The less I miss him. The less I spend time thinking of him, thinking of sickness, thinking of his death, of the lessons his death taught me.

I have struggled with guilt over this, while knowing that this change is normal, natural, and out of my control. We were talking about it yesterday, and Mr. Smak said, "Just because you miss him less now, doesn't mean you loved him any less then."

I thought about that all was so profound, and comforting.


rlbates said...

All I have is a simple hug for you.

Sybil said...

I am so glad that you are slowly begining to "come alive" again and now we can begin to look forward to news of a new wee life in the Smak household...
What a wonderful thoughtful comment Mr Smak, thank you from me as well
Love Sybil UK. xx

Mizasiwa said...

Please thank Mr Smak for that advise - its something i really needed to her today.

Anonymous said...

Your posts are always like little gems. Often rare, but always so so very precious.
I'm a lurker here, but I've been around for a long while, and I cannot tell you how much you speak to my heart, and how much I admire you, mama...
Wishing you all the best the next few weeks -- and thereafter.


Stacy said...

Mr. Smak's comment brought tears to my eyes. I struggle with this very thing as well being almost 7 years out.

I empathize with you as I have "cleaned out" a room of our oldest daughter's room 2.5 years after her death for her twin brother and sister's arrival. It was hard, but when it was done I was relieved. I also left some things in the room that represented her, but I was clearly the twins' room.

I also have had those same thoughts of struggling for the future. It got better when my twins passed the age that my daughter was when she died.

I look forward to hearing about the arrival of this little girl.

Socks said...

Deedad and Granya thank you for our cleansing tears tonight.

I think about how Baby Nutmeg will hear about and learn of Henry. I wonder . . . and know memories of him will come alive, and will bring joy.

Anonymous said...

If that post didn't create the "unexpected tear" then I don't know what post would have...didn't see that one coming! Mr. Smak nailed it.

Sister Smak

Anonymous said...

Wow - that's a beautiful statement, and I'm going to hold that one close.

It also, in a roundabout way, reminded me of a poem by Ogden Nash. I find this comforting when I'm thinking of all the people I miss:

The Middle
When I remember the bygone days,
I think of how evening follows morn;
So many I loved were not yet dead,
so many I love were not yet born.

Wishing you comfort and peace

Anonymous said...

I think the guilt might be one of your hardest challenges right now. You're afraid to let go of it because you fear that without the guilt Henry will slip from your mind. But, yet, deep down, you also know that is never going to happen. He will always be in your memory no matter how old you get or how many grey hairs you have, his memory of who he was will not ever leave. If you except that then you may be able to let go of the guilt cause there is no reason to hang on to it. You have this new wonderful life soon becoming a part of your family. While no child could ever take the place of another she is a precious gift and I think it's perfectly normal for you to be happy about her and not carry the guilt around. When you are celebrating a new life it doesn't mean you have forgotten him.

ADB said...

I am pleased you have been able to move forward, with this focus of a new baby. I hope it helps you further along the road of coming to terms with your loss.

...tom... said...

hey there...

Catching up on an old friend ...if I may be so bold.

Mr Smak said...
"Just because you miss him less now, doesn't mean you loved him any less then."

I also think it does not mean you love him any less now. While he may be gone, the threads he wove through your life, your family members' lives, are no less 'real'.

Perhaps incongruously unfinished a Michelangelo statue but partially removed from its marble encasement ...but real, important, as binding to you as any other part of your life.

Anyway . . .I trust (and pray ...if only quietly to myself ...:minism:...) these words find you and yours ...old and brand spanking (or soon to be) new good health and heart.